Paranoia
by DiscordantHarmony426
Summary: We see the inner machinations of Lincoln's mind. And no, it's not an enigma.
1. Frontal Assault

"So, it's time for you to see what I do for Lincoln? Well, I'm not sure you're qualified to see what I do." A purplish colored neuron wearing what can loosely be described as casual attire states

This neuron walks forward, heading toward the cerebrum. The other neurons take notice and begin to fear for their continued existence.

"Don't mind them. They're just afraid of me because of what I do. What do I do? Well, let's just say I'm a programmer."

The neuron makes it to the cerebrum's entrance, the sinisterostrocerebral entrance to be concise. Us mere mortals just use the shorthanded, non-scientific term. We collectively know it as the frontal lobe.

A peculiar voice echoes off of the meningeal fluid.

"Security clearance needed to pass through the dura mater barrier. Provide password relating to frontal lobe entrance."

"Dekaennea ogdonta epta."

"Correct. Dura mater barrier primed for neural absorption."

"Come on, let's go!" The neuron advises, as you go along for the ride and feel your neural form melting through the dura mater barrier. You can feel the meningeal fluid surround you. Slowly slinking away from the canyonlike labyrinth of gyri and sulci, both of you make it to the second meningeal barrier, the arachnoid mater.

"Security clearance needed to pass the arachnoid mater barrier. Prepare for neural discharge test.

The strange neuron morphs its cytoplasmic-esque dendritic arm into a sort of semisolid lighting rod. She inserts it into the fleshy, tuna-like structure and emits an arcing discharge of electricity.

"Energy received, draining the meningeal blood lake to grant access to the deepest regions of the brain…"

The security sensor neurons notice a non-neuron and stop draining the blood lake.

* * *

"Hold it, nonron! You there, next to the purple one, stand there and prepare to be terminated!"

"Stop! I'm showing him how things work around here!"

"Oh yeah? How do we know they're not a pathogen?!"

"Because the brain hasn't been inflamed yet?"

"Fine. But you're just a nerdron, you can't tell us what to do!" The B cytokine taunts

"That's what you think. Just let us pass and there'll be no trouble."

"Fuck you, nilron! Kill them!" The T cytokine yells

"Alright, you asked for it."

The purple neuron morphs her left hand into a shield and her right hand into a phone.

"Yeah, patch me through to Tracheal Lymph Node 144!"

…

…

…

"Yes, general? It's me. Some of your cytokines have gone rouge and are trying to kill us."

The T cytokine gets a call.

"Yes? I'm kind of in the middle of killing a rebel neuron so that our creator can make more newrons."

Furious barking is heard on the other end.

"Yes, general. But she has an unauthorized…I see. Yes, let them pass…oh."

The T talks to the B.

"Uh, that was the lymphocyte commander of TLN144. He's sending NKC's after us for treason because we tried to kill one of the creator's top neurons."

"Run for our pathetic lives?"

"You know it!"

Both cytokines leave as the TLN144 NKC's try to eradicate them for their betrayal to the creator.

* * *

"Sorry about that. I didn't think that we'd get ambushed by malignant rogue lymph cells. But now that that's over and done with, let's proceed onwards to the center of the brain."

You point out the meningeal blood lake hasn't been fully drained.

"Hope you like swimming."

Both of them dive into the meningeal blood lake and sink through the arachnoid mater. The blood seamlessly drops off of them without them getting stained. Just one of the many benefits of a cytoplasmic covering. Yours ruptures but thankfully, you don't need it anymore. Both of you head toward the final barrier, the pia mater.

"Security clearance needed to pass through the pia mater barrier without potentially inflicting our creator with meningitis. First things first…a preliminary scan to terminate any bacterium or virus."

The scanner passes over both of you.

"Scan complete, no pathogens detected. Now, present your level 3 access card."

The purple neuron takes out a purple ID card and lets the scanner scan it.

"Aecor sex omis-aditus pecto deprerendi. Access granted, Encephalon."

"Encephalon? Is that your name?"

"No, that's just the computer calling me smart. Now, we're almost to our destination. So please, just hold on for a little while longer, ok?"

Both of you head into the prosencephalon.

* * *

"This is the prosencephalon, where command central is. Every action and reaction that the creator has is dictated here. Further down is the mesencephalon and the rhombencephalon, which are further subdivisions of all functions the creator takes."

Two more purple neurons emerge from the other sections of the encephaloneural junction. One of them is in a sharp dressed suit and the other is dressed like a member of the British parliament.

"Ah, these are the companies of myself. You can call them "E" and "S", while I am "I.""

"Are those your names?"

"No, just aliases."

Either way, its time for another day of controlling our creator.

You snark at them to see if the NSL incident was caused by them.

"NSL, what is that? I don't know anything about that but there are certain protocols in place so that we all can protect him. Its time for him to wake up."

"Alpha cosine wave generator, activate."

The machine activates and begins to produce alpha waves to counteract the REM delta sine waves to wake Lincoln up.

"E, get to the mesencephalon and open up the cortisol channels by 5%."

She does so, Lincoln is now fully awake.

"As a part of this story, you're supposed to shadow me for a day and see how we help Lincoln during a typical day in the Loud house."

You ask "What story?"

"The story that's being recalled just now. Do you really think I wouldn't notice?"

You don't say anything in response.

"I thought so. Now let's get this day over with."


	2. Alarming Situations

Lincoln is just getting started with his day, when already, the first of many things to impede his progress to get through yet another chaotic day in this house approaches.

 **"LINCOLN!"** A bloodcurdling, ear-piercing shriek echoes off the thinner than rice paper walls. It's so powerful, it's rumored the shriek of it alone can peel the paint right off the walls. People might mistake this gratingly shrill scream for a banshee, but no, this being is worse. At least if it was a banshee, you'd be dead within a matter of minutes but no…you're still alive when this one screams.

"Oh boy, it's HER. S, raise threat level to Ροδος."

S does so. An alarm blares, heralding the arrival of the destroyer of the creator's happiness. Upon noticing the alarm, you note that the alarms have a threat level associated with 10 different colors, with 2 off to the right side, and 1 to the left side. Thankfully, the neurons translated it into English (because hey, this show takes place in Royal Woods, Michigan; And Michigan is a part of the good old US of A, which proudly speaks English and not that stuffy Britishismic English either, I'm talking about pureblooded American English) and have an accompanying picture, just in case you couldn't tell who's who (but you're a die-hard Loud House fan (otherwise, why would you be reading this?) so this is not a problem for you at all)!

* * *

On the left side, there's only one color:

Πορτοκαλι (orange)

And the picture is of their creator, Lincoln Loud.

"If the alarm is in portokali/orange mode, that means its safe for Lincoln. It's our job to make sure that this default light stays on for as long as possible. It's quite difficult, seeing as we have to help him navigate the chaos of the Loud house." I acknowledges

Moving to the central alarms, there are ten of them, each with a corresponding threat level, from highest to lowest, it goes:

Κοκκινο (red) (Lynn)

Ροδος (pink) (Lola)

Ξανθος (yellow) (Luan)

Πραισινο (green) (Lisa)

Κυανος (cyan) (Lori)

Πορφυρο (purple) (Luna)

Μελανο (black) (Lucy)

Μπλε (blue) (Lana)

Πασχαλια (lilac) (Lily)

Τυρκουαζ (turquoise) (Leni)

"Of course, the sisters are in a league of their own when it comes to danger but the parents…well, they have separate alarms because it's way harder to defuse tensions between Lincoln and them."

Κατακοκκινος (vermilion) (Rita)

Μεσανυχτα πραισινο (midnight green) (Lynn)

"Right now, we're on Rhodos, threat level 2. Just like on DEFCON, the higher the number, the more fucked Lincoln will be if we mess up."

* * *

"Lincoln! Oh hey, there you are, big brother. Listen, I need your help coordinating a pageant routine that will wipe off the smug expression of that bitch, Lindsey Sweetwater. So, will you help me?" Lola says, while trying to do the puppy dog eyes to manipulate him

"Word of advice, whatever Lola wants, Lola gets. The last time we said "no" to one of her requests, the house was trashed and Lincoln was knocked unconscious for a few hours with internal hemorrhaging and a few fractured bones! Don't worry though, Lola got what was coming to her."

"Now to respond to Lola, I type up what I want Lincoln to say from the prosencephalon's cerebral supercomputer, then I send the instructions to the specific electro-receiver stations scattered throughout Lincoln's body. We're command central, as everything Lincoln does has to be written out here and sent to where it needs to go. Since we need to say something to Lola, I'll type out what I want to say, and then send it to the VCERS (Vocal Cord Electro-Receiver Station) where the neurons there will manipulate Lincoln's vocal cords to allow him to actually say our message to his little sister, got it?"

You nod in approval.

Print: ("I'd love to, Lola.")

"And…send."

The message was sent to the VCERS. The neurons there process the request and make him say the words. Now, we see what happens back out in the Loud house.

"I'd love to, Lola."

" **EEEE!** Thank you, Lincoln! I promise not to make your life miserable for any longer than I have to."

One very demeaning pageant co-routine later…

* * *

"Well, I didn't think I could have negative dignity. I was wrong."

"To sacrifice what little dignity you had left to help me, it really means a lot, Lincoln…"

"Anything to make you happy, Lola."

The rhodos alarm turns off, while the portokali alarm is back on.

"Well, that was a successful day of appeasing the princess. Now we can make our creator relax by playing some video games. Alright, now let's help him get this prissy princess stuff off…"

Unfortunately for Lincoln, the rest of the sisters see Lincoln in his pageant uniform (that Lola had for him (that Leni made for her)) and naturally mock the notion of a boy wearing something that Lola would wear.

The portokali alarm turns off and 3 of the sister alarms turn on (kokkino, kyanos and porphyro)!

"We have a triple threat. I repeat, we have a triple threat. We are in threat level 1!"

E turns to you and explains.

"In situations like these, where there are multiple sisters threatening Lincoln, the threat level will be the highest sister. In this case, we have threat levels of 1, 5, and 6. But it's still a level 1 threat, because it overrides the others."

Back at the Loud house…

* * *

"Wow! I can't believe it. You really don't have any self respect left." Lori chides

"I can hear your heart rale, now it's time for us 9 to assail…" Luna sings

"You know, Ronnie Anne was right. You ARE a lame-o. I was going to try and prove her wrong but now that you've done THIS…well I just HAVE to tell her she's right!"

Quick as a flash, Lynn kickflips Lori's cellphone, and begins typing something.

"HEY! That phone was $800 dollars! So help me, Lynn…if you break that phone, I'll break your bank!" Lori yells at her

Lynn takes a picture of Lincoln, sends the text message then hands the phone back to Lori. Miraculously, the phone wasn't damaged at all. Lori reads the text that Lynn sent…to Bobby…as her.

"Hey, Bobby Boo Boo Bear. My sister Lynn saw the most hilarious thing today. Please, show this to Ronnie Anne."

[insert picture of Lincoln in a dress here]

"From your bodacious babe, Lori."

Lori's phone pings. Bobby texted her back.

"Babe, yo demostró la foto del Lincoln en la vestida y tú fueron correcto. Es muy hilarante. Pero Ronalda piensa es muy humillante. Son tú seguro te obtenieron su hermano's permiso a exponer este? Ella también decirme a decierte que tú eres un gringa desprecio y a ver joderse. Ay, mi novia no hice algo como horrible como este! Por favor, decirme estoy incorrecto!"

Lori frantically texts Bobby to do some damage control while Lynn and Luna continue to mock him.

"You're going to get 261'd, bro. My advice is to take that off and hope no one else sees you." Luna points out

"Come on guys, stop mocking Lincoln! He was helping me!" Lola urges

"Yeah, and that dress was MINE. I gave it to Lola!" Leni adds

"Little hoe, little bitch, suck my 5.3-inch dick! Admit that you just got pounded! I'd say "take the L" if you could pronounce it." Lynn quote sings in front of Lincoln's face

"Really, you think I'm worse than Riscum? I'd thought you'd at least do something better than quote a diss track."

On the plus side, Ian is a way better diss-tracker than Bryan. So at least she has good taste in diss tracks.

"Ooh…I'm telling dad!" Lola goes off to snitch on Lynn

"Got cash, cash, money and the views and the clicks, and yet, you're always gonna be a little bitch." Lynn continues to quote sing

"Alright, what's going on?!" Lynn Sr says, bolting up the stairs

"Lynn was singing an insulting song to Lincoln just because he was helping me with a pageant routine." Lola explains

"That's it; Lynn Jr, you're grounded for insulting your brother!"

"What? But he totally looks like a bitch in Lola's dress!"

"You just added 2 more weeks to your punishment."

"NOOOOOO!"

Threat alarms disabled.

* * *

"Thankfully, the situation mostly defused itself. It could have been way worse." S admits

"Ok, now for what we wanted to tell you. Leni got a new dress today and it looks so beautiful. She just wanted to show it to you. Lori also got some ratty thing from Bap…"

"HEY! You take that back! This "ratty thing" cost $60 bucks!"

"And she, for some reason, also wanted to show you it."

"Alright, on the count of three, both of you show Lincoln your dresses."

"1…"

"2…"

"3…"

"Now!"

Both of them reveal a turquoise dress. The SAME turquoise dress. Everyone, even Lincoln, gasps aghastly.

"Code 57, this is a code 57! This is not a drill!" S bellows

"Open epinephrine dispersal units to 100% capacity!" E shouts

"Stimulating flight-or-flight response! Selecting "flight" to his room!" I exclaims

Lincoln bolts it to his room and locks the door, while his sisters do the same, leaving Lori and Leni by themselves to argue about yet another dress and yes, it will be petty.

"Code 57's are serious business! The last time this happened, Lincoln had to LEAVE to reset everything. While that asinine "sister fight protocol" was abolished, code 57 still exists for similar situations."

* * *

You look at the 3 codes, which are written entirely in Latin.

Lex Tres: sorors haedique petulci cum Lincoln's vita (soror turbinis)

Lex Quinquagintaseptem: Evitandum quod fastidiens sorors (SEP)

Lex Sexagintasex: Lincoln exsistendum criminationibus agiteris (caper emissarius)

"We're not going to engage them this time, as the last time we did…it didn't go well, let's just say that."

Well, it seems to be working. While the rest of the sisters are ruminating in their respective rooms, Lori and Leni talk it out and get over their petty squabble in record time. Of course, that stupid sister fight protocol being gone also helped immensely.

"I think it's over. I'll go out and check."

Lincoln goes out to recon what happened to their 2 eldest sisters. They're just chilling on the couch.

"Hey guys, did you work things out?"

"Yes."

Lincoln wisely walks away after getting his answer, having learned from the last time not to accidently re-escalate the conflict further.

"Well, it's about time to turn in. So now you know how we help Lincoln survive. See you later. Goodbye."

Lincoln heads off to bed after a long day. He gets in the covers and begins to doze off…

* * *

 **Author's Note: Unlike in Kokkinophobia, the colors are in ancient Greek instead of modern Greek. This is why colors like yellow are translated into "xanthos", instead of "kitrino".**

 **Why did only 3 of the alarms go off? Because...**

 **Lily's a baby, she really doesn't know what's happening. Only that something's wrong.  
**

 **Lisa couldn't honestly give a fuck about what Lincoln's doing.  
**

 **Lana knows that Lincoln wouldn't willingly embarrass himself in front of his sisters.  
**

 **Lola is the one who asked Lincoln for help in the first place, so of course she wouldn't berate him...this time, at least.  
**

 **Lucy knows what its like to be made fun of (Sleuth or Consequences), she feels the same pain he does.  
**

 **Luan doesn't want to make fun of him like this, it's way too harsh!  
**

 **Leni wants everyone to get along, and wouldn't mock anyone.**

* * *

 **Actually there are a lot more codes. For example:**

 **Execute command: [Punch]**  
 **Target: [Lynn Jr's face]**  
 **Command Terminal To Be Received: [RAERS]**

 **This command will be sent to the right arm electro-receiver station and will make Lincoln punch Lynn in the face with his right arm.**

 **Execute command: [Kick]**  
 **Target: [Lynn Jr's vagina]**  
 **WARNING: ["Target might be wearing a jockstrap and you'll stub your toe if she's wearing one; Proceed?"]**  
 **print: ("yes")**  
 **WARNING: ["This action is extremely dangerous and may result in some of your sisters hating you; Proceed?"]**  
 **print: ("yes")**  
 **Command Terminal To Be Received: [LLERS]**

 **If: Lynn== Dodge**  
 **Break**  
 **Then: Kick== Stop**  
 **If: Lynn== Fight**  
 **Else: Kick== Slow**

 **If: Pain != Lynn**  
 **Then: Console  
**

 **Console== Execute: Walk**  
 **If Lincoln= 5 feet**  
 **Then: Execute Walk**  
 **If Lincoln= 1 foot**  
 **Break**

 **Print:("Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to hurt you!")**  
 **Execute: {Caress}**  
 **Target: [Sister's back]**  
 **Command Terminal To Be Received: [LAERS]**  
 **Execute: {Stare}**  
 **Target: [Eyes]**  
 **Command Terminal To Be Received: [LEERS] + [REERS]**  
 **Convey: {Sadness}**

 **This situation had Lincoln try to kick Lynn in the balls, but Lynn dodged and he kicked Luan instead. And now, he has to apologize.**

* * *

 **Here's what the codes translate to:**

 **Code 3: Sisters butting into Lincoln's life (sister windstorm) (We know it as the "Sisternado")**

 **Code 57: Evading the fastidious (scornful) sisters (SEP) (Soror Elabi Protocol) (Sister Evasion Protocol)**

 **Code 66: Lincoln being falsely accused (scapegoat)**

 **Any added parenthesis are what the "localizations" are.**


End file.
